Friday Feature: Remedying Negativity Bias

Have you ever had trouble shaking a rude comment? Been offended by someone's actions, but told yourself to just let it go? Or worse yet, denied your very real feelings and told yourself to grow up?

Yeah. Me too.

As it turns out, these reactions have something to do with how we're wired. As human beings, we are predisposed, perhaps by evolution, to pay more attention to the negative than the positive. The implication of this is that it takes multiple positive comments or interactions to merely bring the playing field back to level, let alone undo the damage. This doesn't make us weak or immature or spoiled.

It makes us human.

Luckily, as humans, we're also equipped with the capability to think logically and rationally, and to decide which evaluations we accept and which we reject. Yesterday, not for the first time, but in a powerful way, I realized that it's my job to show those negative judgments the door. 

So today, I went in search of a Friday Feature on just this topic, figuring that if I felt this way, others did too. There's lots of stuff out there, ranging from TED Talks to marriage advice to articles in the popular psychology press.

In the end, I found what I was looking for in Forbes -- a helpful and optimistic article by Margie Warrell on combatting negativity bias.

Just the tips I needed for taking actions that are long overdue.

4 Things That Nurture Relationships

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As a rule, I try not to be maudlin, and I prefer a sense of humor to sentimentality. But as we spend our summer visiting colleges and contemplating the future, it's hard not to ignore the fact that summers as we've always known them are dwindling.

In the midst of raising a family, it's easy to lose sight of how quickly everything flies by, and how important it is to nurture all relationships, so that as they grow and change (as relationships do), they evolve into something even better than the the most nostalgic memory.

These four things are certainly not exhaustive, but they're four things I've been thinking about with respect to nurturing relationships and remembering that the thing we happen to be doing at the moment isn't necessarily the most important thing.

1. Never turn down a hug. I'm good at remembering this where my daughter and my parents are concerned, but I'm embarrassed to admit I give my husband short shrift here. In both of the first two cases, hugs are in short supply, so I grab them when I can. But, absorbed in the practical aspects of life, my husband and I sometimes fly by one another. It's important to take that moment whenever it presents itself.

Photo: Melodi2 via Morguefile

2. Don't treat a personal phone call like something to be checked off a list. If I go more than a day or so without talking to my parents, I make a mental note to contact them. Sometimes, though, I sandwich a phone call in between other things, and I end up hanging up the phone feeling annoyed with myself for not relishing the call. Sure, I'm glad I talked to them, even if it was quick, but the best conversations are the ones I have when I'm not multitasking.

3. Listen. This one's easy enough in theory, but as with #2, when I'm in a hurry, it sometimes falls by the wayside. Add to that cell phone reception and my fading middle-aged memory, and I fall prey to half-listening and interrupting so I don't forget what I wanted to say. Not only are those habits rude, but they defeat the purpose. When I'm not fully engaged in both speaking and listening, it's much more likely that I'll forget the conversation shortly after having it. More importantly, not listening shows disrespect and creates frustration and hurt feelings. Feeling listened to, on the other hand, is a wonderful feeling.

4. Practice patience. Racing through a to-do list is one thing; racing through a relationship is something else entirely. Some days, other people just don't move as quickly as we want them to, whether it's the stranger in front of us in traffic or a family member whose pace is slower than our own. While the first relationship is disposable, the latter ones aren't. A moment of patience sends a message of consideration and is an investment in the relationship.

I'm sure there are many more of these. What would you add?

The Glamorous Life of an Author

Lately, a friend and I have been joking about the glamorous life of an author. I mean, the wardrobe alone inspires envy, don’t you think? And the lifestyle? Like any profession, it has wonderful moments, but chances are, it’s a tad different from what you’d imagine.

In the past eighteen months, I’ve done a variety of events, ranging from traditional bookstore signings to online “appearances” to less-than-traditional celebrations in a few of my favorite places. Most of it has been a lot of fun, and that was no accident. “Fun” was the one ingredient I insisted on when it came to promotion, because, after all, if the event isn’t fun, then I should be spending my time writing instead.

Some events are less, um, eventful than others, and as I reflect back on the past year and a half, it would be easy to complain and concentrate on those.

But you don’t want to read about that.

So, as I prepare to dig into the publishing process for the next book, and climb aboard this merry-go-round all over again, I want to reflect on some of the fun, and offer some thanks. I’m grateful for:

• Special places: Two of my favorite events happened at two of my favorite places: the Starbucks I visit almost daily, and the library my daughter and I “discovered” when she was three.

• Loyal friends: Those who bought my book, acted as beta readers and copy editors, wrote reviews, and, even before that, asked me how the book was coming along — before it was even a book.

• Long-distance friends: My parents threw a party to celebrate the book, which, due to circumstances beyond their control, took place nearly a year after the book came out. Not only did our family and their friends come to celebrate, but so did several of my high school friends, some of whom I hadn’t seen in many years. In addition, friends from the district where I had my first job were the impetus for a party in their neck of the woods where I spent a wonderful afternoon catching up.  

• Brave friends: As I was leaving the house to go to my first book party, it started to snow. Though travel conditions were less than ideal, many friends made the trip anyway, some traveling from two hours away. They’re officially braver than I am, and I’m officially grateful. 

• Clever friends: One of the friends who made the two-hour trip parked himself at a table with his laptop and took it upon himself to procure as many likes for my writer page as he could. I had no idea he was doing this until after the deed was done, and the page had jumped 75 likes in one afternoon.

• Talented friends: One of the baristas at my favorite Starbucks is a trained chef. She and her baking partner created an amazing book cake for my launch party, along with to-die-for jumbo cupcakes. I froze the leftovers and feasted on them for almost a month after the party.

• Patient friends and family, who came to multiple events and tolerated book signings and celebrations long after the novelty had worn off (for them)...even when I scheduled these festivities during our vacation.

• Author friends: The folks who totally get it, help me problem solve when I’m freaking out, and celebrate with me. Some of these are also….

• Barista friends, who came to my launch party and celebrated the book fueled in part by the iced chai tea lattes they crafted for me. Two of these barista friends are writers themselves, and I love our “So, what are you working on now?” talks.

• Online friends, who read my blogs, follow me on Twitter, like my author page and share triumphs along the way. 

Funny how it's all about friends. 

Relationships.

Maybe that's because without them, there's not much to celebrate.