4 Things That Nurture Relationships

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As a rule, I try not to be maudlin, and I prefer a sense of humor to sentimentality. But as we spend our summer visiting colleges and contemplating the future, it's hard not to ignore the fact that summers as we've always known them are dwindling.

In the midst of raising a family, it's easy to lose sight of how quickly everything flies by, and how important it is to nurture all relationships, so that as they grow and change (as relationships do), they evolve into something even better than the the most nostalgic memory.

These four things are certainly not exhaustive, but they're four things I've been thinking about with respect to nurturing relationships and remembering that the thing we happen to be doing at the moment isn't necessarily the most important thing.

1. Never turn down a hug. I'm good at remembering this where my daughter and my parents are concerned, but I'm embarrassed to admit I give my husband short shrift here. In both of the first two cases, hugs are in short supply, so I grab them when I can. But, absorbed in the practical aspects of life, my husband and I sometimes fly by one another. It's important to take that moment whenever it presents itself.

Photo: Melodi2 via Morguefile

2. Don't treat a personal phone call like something to be checked off a list. If I go more than a day or so without talking to my parents, I make a mental note to contact them. Sometimes, though, I sandwich a phone call in between other things, and I end up hanging up the phone feeling annoyed with myself for not relishing the call. Sure, I'm glad I talked to them, even if it was quick, but the best conversations are the ones I have when I'm not multitasking.

3. Listen. This one's easy enough in theory, but as with #2, when I'm in a hurry, it sometimes falls by the wayside. Add to that cell phone reception and my fading middle-aged memory, and I fall prey to half-listening and interrupting so I don't forget what I wanted to say. Not only are those habits rude, but they defeat the purpose. When I'm not fully engaged in both speaking and listening, it's much more likely that I'll forget the conversation shortly after having it. More importantly, not listening shows disrespect and creates frustration and hurt feelings. Feeling listened to, on the other hand, is a wonderful feeling.

4. Practice patience. Racing through a to-do list is one thing; racing through a relationship is something else entirely. Some days, other people just don't move as quickly as we want them to, whether it's the stranger in front of us in traffic or a family member whose pace is slower than our own. While the first relationship is disposable, the latter ones aren't. A moment of patience sends a message of consideration and is an investment in the relationship.

I'm sure there are many more of these. What would you add?

Don't Call Me, I'll Call You

A week or so ago, a friend of mine drew some heat on Facebook for a post about people ringing her doorbell in the middle of the day. Like me, she works from home, and is frustrated by interruptions, especially those that come from uninvited strangers. In addition, she's legitimately concerned about opening the door to someone she doesn't know.

Yeah. I don't look like this.
(Photo credit: greenbusinessmatters.com)

As someone who works from home, I immediately identified with her post, but instead of considering the dangers of opening the door to total strangers, I leapt immediately to wardrobe concerns. On days that I don't have morning appointments, I'm likely to stay in my pajamas (or a similar substitute) well into the day. And we won't even discuss the accompanying issues with hair and makeup.

If I have work to accomplish -- especially work that requires an expenditure of creative energy -- the earlier I tackle it, the better. Anything I do between getting out of bed and getting started on the task-at-hand is merely an obstacle. And a succession of obstacles -- not surprisingly -- leads me on another journey altogether. The more obstacles I have to contend with, the less likely I am to get back to the path I'm supposed to be on, and the more energy I have to expend doing battle with demons like procrastination.

For me, getting up, showered and dressed first thing in the morning is like getting off the interstate one exit before my destination. Sure, I can still get where I'm going, but it takes longer, I'm likely to get distracted along the way and when I arrive, I have less energy to accomplish what I set out to do in the first place. And that's just not a smart way to work.

Like my friend, when I'm immersed in an important task, I don't accept interruptions. I don't answer my door or my house phone or even my cell phone unless I've checked caller ID to make sure the caller is interruption-worthy. I may be home, but I'm also at work, and if I wouldn't accept the call at a place of business, I should feel free to let it go to voice mail when I'm working at home.

It was interesting to read the comments my friend received in response to her post. In addition to single women, women home alone during the day and work-at-home folks of both genders, stay-at-home parents weighed in on the disruption of a ringing doorbell timed just when a child has gone down for a nap. Third-shift workers shared their frustration of trying to sleep when the rest of the world was awake. And a few people were offended that there are those of us who opt not to respond to them at the precise moment they wish to make contact.

Photo: randy_burden via Morguefile

So, let me just say this. If I don't answer your call or respond to your ringing of my doorbell during the day, please don't be offended. It has little to do with the importance of our relationship and everything to do with the fact that I'm working, and that the elusive little thought trains sometimes depart for destinations unknown when they're steered off course by an interruption. Sometimes, even a text chime is enough to re-route the whole kit, caboodle (and its little caboose, too).

Or maybe I'm in the shower.

Either way, if you leave a message, I'll call you back.