Kind Enough?

 Last week, I was listening to a chapter in Tal ben-Shahar’s Choose the Life You Want  – one that focused on altruism. As is often the case when I ponder this topic, I felt guilty and somewhat inferior and I immediately started thinking of ways I can up my altruism game, so to speak.

Then I stopped short. Why was I beating myself up? In the chapter, the author was reflecting on a study where a researcher challenged participants to do five nice things in one day. Using this specific metric, I thought back over the previous few days and could immediately list at least five things I’d done, so I decided to go home and make a list.

The resulting list of items – mostly small acts, some a tad closer to medium, but nothing earth shattering – revealed actions that were so much a part of the fabric of my days that I no longer even counted them as acts of kindness. They fit the researchers’ specifications, though, reminding me that I had, indeed, engaged in kind acts.

Does this make me a saint? A martyr? 

No to both. It makes human.

Admittedly, some of the items – a number of them in fact– were win/win. Purchasing a piece of artwork from a student, for example, gave her her first sale, but I also got to acquire a thing of beauty that I could continue to enjoy every day.

So often, when I hear of heroic, selfless acts, guilt is one of my go-to emotions because I immediately think I’m not doing enough. I’m not curing cancer or contributing to world peace, after all, just maybe improving my little corner of the world.

And once I moved past the guilt, I realized that this isn’t such a bad thing. There’s much to be said, after all, for the small kindnesses we give without so much as a second thought. A smile. A hug parentheses (for those so inclined). Our time.

People from Phoebe and Joey on Friends to psychologists and philosophers have famously argued over whether or not there’s such a thing as a truly selfless act. And the data from the study described in ben-Shahar’s book only confounds this issue. Those who completed the task assigned by the researchers and did good felt good – and not just in the moment. Those simple acts, even the small ones, resulted in the kind actors feeling good for as long as a week after the act had been completed.

Some days, my kindness quota will be small. I’m tired, not feeling well, stressed, overwhelmed – you name it. But I think that, if I choose to go through life with eyes open to the opportunity to do good and be kind, and take advantage of those opportunities on a regular basis, I can ditch the guilt. While the world may advertise and celebrate huge altruistic acts (often justifiably so), it runs on the mundane, small kindnesses we offer each other daily. 

Every interaction we have is an opportunity to brighten someone else’s day and every choice we make can potentially make the world a little better – or worse – in some small way. Finding a balance between taking care of ourselves, so we have the energy to do good and be kind, and carrying out those random acts of kindness is, for me, the altruistic sweet spot.

Image by Alana Jordan from Pixabay

Friday Feature: More on that Age-Appropriate Makeover

 Blush sticks are everywhere! Maybe they have been for a while and I just haven't noticed -- we've already established that my interest in makeup waxes and wanes. As I've begun moving forward with my age-appropriate makeover, blush has been a recent focus.

For me, those blush sticks arrived just in time -- and not just because I found them right after I started writing about said makeover. The fine lines that snuck up on me (kicking off the desire for a makeover) were trapping my faithful powder blush, sending me in search of something a little more forgiving. I tried a drugstore-brand blush that came in a tube, then moved to Mary Kay gel blush, which seemed to have better intensity and staying power. For me, though, the too much/too little line that came with squeezing the never-quite-right amount out of the tube made my application inconsistent at best and ended up wasting a lot of product as well.

Then, I got a sample of the cream blush from Thrive Causemetics. The trial size didn't come in a stick, but rather a palette and I was in love (and online ordering the full-size product) in a flash. The blush stick also comes with a flat brush on the other end of the stick, allowing me to blend the product without getting it all over my fingers and/or wasting it, making it more likely that I'll land on the right side of the too much/too little line.

I went a little overboard with new products, so I'm going to give my wallet a rest and stick to experimenting with what I already have for a while. I am getting a clearer picture of what I like, what I don't, and what I feel confident using. Next steps?

Using that blush brush as a jumping off point for playing with new ways to apply the products that have made the cut. Best of all, I have a supply so I don't need to buy anything new. 

Stay tuned.

Rethinking the Shoulds

 One day last week, I was gathering up my things, getting ready to go to an appointment, and chiding myself over things I hadn’t gotten around to doing. Midway through "should-ing" myself – you know, I should have done this and I should have done that – I stopped. 

What had I done?

I'd listened to my body when it told me I needed more sleep. I'd started out my morning slowly, in a way that made me ready to take on the day. I'd helped my dad work out an issue with a frequently used app on his phone. I'd made a dent in my to-be graded list -- completing everything I'd put on the list for that day, as a matter of fact. I'd written a blog post. 

And yet my focus was on tasks I'd left undone -- tasks which, quite frankly, hadn’t been on the list to begin with. Despite the fact that everything I'd done had been a good use of my time, not to mention in line with what I'd set out to do that day (for the most part), I was still chiding myself. 

Beating myself up for what I didn't do is a bad habit of mine. (Just me?) Fortunately, on that particular day, I managed to catch myself in time to step back and really think about how I'd spent my time.

And only in looking back over the day did I realize it had been a balanced day. I'd taken care of myself. I'd helped out a family member. I'd managed work responsibilities, and I'd even gotten some writing in  -- all before I left for my appointment. 

Sure, there was more to do. But there will always be more to do. And deluding ourselves into thinking that our to-do lists aren't on infinite scroll will only make us unhappy because it leads to the unrealistic belief that we really can do it all.

Spoiler alert: we can't. At least not in one day, or all at once.

The truth was, I'd been able to write that blog post because I'd kept my tasks bite-sized enough that I wasn't mentally exhausted. And mental exhaustion is a surefire road block to creativity.

We are more than our to-do lists. And it’s high time we learned to press “mute” on our “should” buttons and be satisfied with what we do accomplish. And maybe, just maybe, that will leave us with the energy we need to step away from the list and do something that really matters.

Image by Rosy / Bad Homburg / Germany from Pixabay

Friday Feature: We Might Not be Getting Better, But That's Our Business

 In my critique group the other night, we were joking about how, after years of critiquing other writers' work, it has become almost impossible to read anything without also editing it as we go. Like my friend who brought up this idea, I find it almost impossible to read (especially non-fiction) without a pen in my hand. Mostly, I want to comment and make connections, but there are definitely times I want to improve upon the grammar and clarity.

On the other hand, I also stumble across things I wish I'd written. These are usually magazine articles (although books occasionally qualify) that feature something I can identify with or a format so deliciously simple that any other way of relaying the information just seems wrong. 

Today, I was reading a back issue of Philadelphia Magazine when I tucked into this piece by Sandy Hingston about the benefits of the invisibility that comes with aging.  Though I have not (yet) given up shaving my legs, I do find myself caring a whole lot less about what other people (in general) think of my appearance. Her article made me laugh, nod, and even cringe a little bit in places, almost always in agreement with the ideas she put on the page. I do wish I could brush off some instances of ageism as easily as she seems able to. Perhaps someday I will. 

If you're around my age and/or also enjoy Melani Sanders' hilarious We Do Not Care Club social media posts (if you haven't checked them out, you really should), I'm guessing you'll enjoy Hingson's article as much as I did. 

As for those of you closer to my daughter's age? You can shake your heads now, but time is on our side.

Thermostat Ping Pong

 Over the years, I've had a number of friends and colleagues who made it a practice to see how long they could go without turning on the heat or the air conditioning when the weather changed. For a long time, I embraced this mentality, at least until I could no longer explain why it made sense.

Sure, there are great reasons environmentally and financially to do this. But what ever happened to listening to our bodies?

Now that I'm in my 60s, my body and its comfort have pushed the whole "how long can I last?" mentality off the list. Instead, I think more like my 87-year-old dad does. If it's going to be cold and I have the means to be warm, then I should do that. If it's going to be hot and I have the means to be cool, then I should do that.

That said, I don't want to completely disregard the sound environmental and financial reasons to avoid playing thermostat ping pong. One unseasonably cold night? Pull out another sweater and an extra blanket. One warm night? 

Well, that's another story. 

I hate being hot, and I really hate being hot when I'm trying to sleep, a seemingly simple pursuit that has become much more challenging with age. Yesterday was the first of three very warm days forecast for this week and so, when the thermostat registered a temperature likely to mess with my sleep, I took the first step and turned on the fan. When the temperature dropped only 2 degrees in 12 hours, it was time for more serious measures.

No, I don't care that it's only April. 90 degrees is 90 degrees, and if it's 90 degrees outside, it's non-sleep weather inside.

This morning, the house was comfortable, so I turned on the air conditioning, setting the thermostat to coincide with the already comfortable temperature of the house. My logic is that keeping the temperature at a comfortable level now will mean that the fan only goes on when necessary to keep the temperature where it is instead of running constantly. In addition, I won't have to waste energy when the outdoor temperature rises, taking the temperature in the house with it, and the system has to work desperately to bring the temperature down to a livable level.

My husband, who loves hot weather, will not see things quite the same way, mostly because he'll be sound asleep tonight whether the temperature is 65 degrees, 75 degrees, or even a little higher.

I will not. And that's a deal breaker.

Sometimes, we do something for so long that we lose sight of why we started doing it in the first place. When that happens, it's time to re-think the plan and, if there's a better plan, it's time to enact it.

That's my thermostat story and I'm sticking to it. Quite comfortably, thank you very much.

Thermostat image by Tom from Pixabay

Book-By-Book, Part 1

 Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my writing -- the books I've published and the ones I still hope to publish. Nothing dramatic or morbid -- just one of those contemplative periods that I hope will help me put things in perspective and establish new directions. 

One thing I'm terrible at is self-promotion. Aside from book launches, "getting the word out" is not my best thing and, based on the post below from 2009, this is not new. 

Stumbling across this particular post was a sort of synchronicity. Not only was it a bit nostalgic (and a reminder that some things don't seem to change much), but also because it gave me a great starting point for something I've been wanting to do: a book-by-book feature of my published works. So, to kick off this particular blog grouping, I give you my first two books. 

Because both of them were published by the same educational publisher (which has since been absorbed by another publisher), I decided to keep them lumped together as they were in the original post. Looking back on these books, I'm still proud of the work I did, and convinced that life is often, if not always, the best source of book material.

In December 2009, a good friend and colleague chided me -- gently, but with good reason -- about letting my published books wither on the vine. I had two books out at the time: Acting Assertively (published in 1999) and Diverse Divorce (published in 2004). Both were intended primarily for educators and copies sold mostly through the publisher's catalog. When the books first came out, I did the press releases and post cards but after a while, I was content to sit back and let them sell.

Or not.

Acting Assertively was the full-length victory lap. I'd been writing articles for a while, and was ready to make the leap and this book was the perfect bridge. The book grew out of classroom lessons I taught to my fourth and fifth graders and, though it was published in 1999, the principles are "evergreen" -- still sound for adults and kids alike. It was a great starting point because it provided an excellent model of an author (content)/editor (format) collaboration.

Diverse Divorce similarly arose from my work in schools, this time from a desire to create materials that could be used in the small groups I ran for children of divorce. The scenarios in the book represented a variety of family perspectives that adults could share with children to use as a discussion starter. The author/editor collaboration was less smooth on this one, which actually turned out to be a good thing; material that I'd originally intended for Diverse Divorce but that ended up on the cutting room floor, so to speak, sparked my first fiction projects.

Fortunately, my wake-up call from my friend arose from opportune circumstances: she had taken a seasonal job at Borders and had made it her personal quest to get my books into our local store. I was so grateful for her interest and persistence that it occurred to me only belatedly that perhaps I should have tried harder to champion my own work in the same way. It wasn't as though I hadn't made similar attempts, targeting mostly independent booksellers, but I'd had very limited success. Most of the time, I came away disappointed and disillusioned, and so I retreated into my safe little cave, putting book information on my website and adding copies to giveaway baskets and library collections. 

While no one wants be around an author who's always pushing the merchandise, it's still important to find ways to get the word out. Over time, new opportunities arise, and a wise author always keeps her eyes open.

Acting Assertively and Diverse Divorce are now out of print. Copies of both books and more information are available from the author. 

To get a taste of the kind of information in Acting Assertively, click here. For sample stories from Diverse Divorce, click here.

Reading and Writing and Recreation

 A few weeks ago, I bought two books. At first glance, they may seem unrelated, but, in reality, there’s a connection. I’ve often caught myself wasting time on my phone when I could be spending that time, writing or engaging in any other more worthwhile pursuits.

Sometimes, it’s a procrastination technique. Not ready to write because I’m too tired, too unmotivated, or just want to finish one more game on my phone, I while away too much time on a device that is not my laptop, focused on screens that are not my work in progress.

Let me be honest. I don’t really want to break up with my phone – I just want to use it more thoughtfully, which is why I bought Catherine Price‘s book (left). So far (and I’m only a couple of chapters in), I haven’t read anything I didn’t already know but, in fairness, I’ve read quite a bit on this topic. I like that Price’s book is a mix of why and how and I look forward to learning more about both of those aspects.

As for Daily Creative, the title and description mesh well with something that’s been a goal of mine for several years now – developing a more frequent practice of creativity in general and expanding my concept of what creativity is. I always have high hopes for books like these and, so far, not many have lived up to my hopes, although they’ve been helpful from the perspective of expanding my perspective.

I’m still in the early pages of both of these books and I’m pretty sure that there will be some skimming going on because of the prior knowledge that I bring to these readings. Still, I’m hoping that both books will serve as refreshers on their respective topics as well as inspiring a few new ideas and practices.

It’s a process.