Goals, Avoidance and a New Approach

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Over the weekend, I sat down to review my March goals and concoct my April goals. Though this may sound dry and dull, it's something I always look forward to. I collect my writing calendar, my notebook and a collection of colored felt-tip pens and look back, in writing, over the last month.

With all that has happened in the past few weeks, I steeled myself for an unsatisfying endeavor. But I surprised myself. Though there were goals I did not meet (there always are -- I aim high), I hit a few targets dead on and made significant projects on others. Given the exhaustion, emotion and sheer overwhelm of the past few weeks, I considered that quite an accomplishment.

And yet, on the heels of that accomplishment, I did not make progress on my designated work-in-progress. Despite my best-laid plans, I allowed schoolwork and home projects to muscle their way into the time I had designated for writing. Again.

This morning, as I once again failed to slide my writing into the time I'd set aside for it, the picture snapped into focus. I tap danced around it in last Wednesday's post, almost landing on the insight I needed. Then, at the last minute, I shuffled off to Buffalo -- or some other place where the answer was not to be found.

But today, as I procrastinated again, the answer emerged, crystal clear.

It isn't writing I'm avoiding. It's this project.

Yeah, yeah, I know. You could have told me that.

Writing, like any other job, has those days -- the ones where we don't want to do what we have to do but we need to park ourselves and do it anyway.  So, my first instinct was to do just that. Armed with the "Suck it up, buttercup" phrase a former teaching colleague is so fond of, I opted for tough love and a "You will do this this weekend" approach.

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It didn't work.

Surely this morning would be a magical Monday.

Only it wasn't -- at least not when it came to powering through on that project.

Powering through? This project deserves better. I deserve better. We deserve to enjoy each other's company, difficult as it may be at times. We deserve to celebrate the sweet success of replacing a so-so word with its just right counterpart and, rather than tap dancing around a problem, dancing in celebration of its successful resolution.

And we will.

But on the days when we can't, there are other projects -- other writing projects -- I can work on. I'm not giving up on this novel revision but, instead, giving it the respect it deserves. I'm saying goodbye to the guilt and the shoulds and the "Suck it up, buttercup" attitude and making this project an option instead of an obligation.

And, who knows? Maybe a little respect is all it wanted in the first place.