Book-By-Book, Part 1

 Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my writing -- the books I've published and the ones I still hope to publish. Nothing dramatic or morbid -- just one of those contemplative periods that I hope will help me put things in perspective and establish new directions. 

One thing I'm terrible at is self-promotion. Aside from book launches, "getting the word out" is not my best thing and, based on the post below from 2009, this is not new. 

Stumbling across this particular post was a sort of synchronicity. Not only was it a bit nostalgic (and a reminder that some things don't seem to change much), but also because it gave me a great starting point for something I've been wanting to do: a book-by-book feature of my published works. So, to kick off this particular blog grouping, I give you my first two books. 

Because both of them were published by the same educational publisher (which has since been absorbed by another publisher), I decided to keep them lumped together as they were in the original post. Looking back on these books, I'm still proud of the work I did, and convinced that life is often, if not always, the best source of book material.

In December 2009, a good friend and colleague chided me -- gently, but with good reason -- about letting my published books wither on the vine. I had two books out at the time: Acting Assertively (published in 1999) and Diverse Divorce (published in 2004). Both were intended primarily for educators and copies sold mostly through the publisher's catalog. When the books first came out, I did the press releases and post cards but after a while, I was content to sit back and let them sell.

Or not.

Acting Assertively was the full-length victory lap. I'd been writing articles for a while, and was ready to make the leap and this book was the perfect bridge. The book grew out of classroom lessons I taught to my fourth and fifth graders and, though it was published in 1999, the principles are "evergreen" -- still sound for adults and kids alike. It was a great starting point because it provided an excellent model of an author (content)/editor (format) collaboration.

Diverse Divorce similarly arose from my work in schools, this time from a desire to create materials that could be used in the small groups I ran for children of divorce. The scenarios in the book represented a variety of family perspectives that adults could share with children to use as a discussion starter. The author/editor collaboration was less smooth on this one, which actually turned out to be a good thing; material that I'd originally intended for Diverse Divorce but that ended up on the cutting room floor, so to speak, sparked my first fiction projects.

Fortunately, my wake-up call from my friend arose from opportune circumstances: she had taken a seasonal job at Borders and had made it her personal quest to get my books into our local store. I was so grateful for her interest and persistence that it occurred to me only belatedly that perhaps I should have tried harder to champion my own work in the same way. It wasn't as though I hadn't made similar attempts, targeting mostly independent booksellers, but I'd had very limited success. Most of the time, I came away disappointed and disillusioned, and so I retreated into my safe little cave, putting book information on my website and adding copies to giveaway baskets and library collections. 

While no one wants be around an author who's always pushing the merchandise, it's still important to find ways to get the word out. Over time, new opportunities arise, and a wise author always keeps her eyes open.

Acting Assertively and Diverse Divorce are now out of print. Copies of both books and more information are available from the author. 

To get a taste of the kind of information in Acting Assertively, click here. For sample stories from Diverse Divorce, click here.

The Alphabet Posts

 Blog post topics have been elusive lately. I’m not really surprised since I’ve been writing this blog for --well, a long time. Long enough to feel (quite often) as though I'm repeating myself.

So I’ve decided to go back to the very beginning – the ABCs. I've brainstormed some Lisa-related topics for each letter of the alphabet to share here and, as is both obvious and logical, I'm beginning with A, for Acting Assertively. 

Parents refer to their firstborn as the child who made them a parent. Acting Assertively is the book that made me a published author. It also introduced me to the process of working with an editor and a publisher, along with the idea that my vision of the final product might not be exactly what the people putting the book into print have in mind.

In the case of Acting Assertively, I lucked out. The book that was published wasn't at all what I had in mind but, given its intended audience, it was even better. Practical in approach (at their behest), it was geared primarily to school counselors (conveniently enough) and teachers. That made my job easy, because the content of the book arose from classroom lessons I taught to fourth and fifth graders, quite often with the input of classroom teachers. Turning it into the end product they wanted not only made sense, but fit perfectly with the book's origin, which made it an easier project than the one I initially envisioned.

I learned a lot while writing the book, about both writing and the topic itself. Practicing what we preach isn't always easy, and defining assertiveness in terms that were accessible to ten- and eleven-year olds left me little wiggle room when it came to walking the walk that matched the classroom talk. 

At the time, writing fiction seemed an impossibility, but when I look back at the scenarios I created with classroom role-playing exercises in mind, it's obvious I was laying the foundation for creating characters in the novels that would come much later. 

After a brief stint as a reproducible PDF, Acting Assertively went out of print, something I find both gratifying (I've been writing long enough that my first book has gone out of print!) and a little sad. I still have a copy or two of my own and, as is often the case, it can be found through third-party sellers. If I Google myself (and I do -- ask any author and they'll probably tell you the same), I can see where it pops up, which is kind of fun. 

I still try to embody the lessons taught (and learned) from the creation of Acting Assertively, just as I do with Know Thyself, which came along twenty years later. And I am, of course, still writing, taking all of those lessons along for the ride.

New on the Porch Swing: 5 Questions

Photo: Ashley Schweitzer via minimography.com

Sometimes, a confluence of factors inspires an idea. Last week, inspired by my friend Cerella Sechrist's Heartwarming blog, the generosity of the folks at ir-on-ic in downtown York and my own Christmas shopping dilemmas, I came up with the idea of once again featuring authors here on my blog. I've done this before, but it's been a while, and, like me, many of these friends have released new books since their last visit.

So today, I'm launching my 5 Questions feature. Between now and the end of the year, you can expect to see a few of these a week, and, if I still have author interest in January, you'll see them once a week. The faces and the titles will change, but the questions will be the same, giving you a chance to find out a little about the people behind the books.

That's my goal, in fact. Sure, I'll post book covers, but this feature is less about selling books and more about letting you get to know the people who write them.

Since being the author of the blog should come with some perks, I'm launching the feature with my answers to the five questions.

What have you written? I have four published books: two nonfiction and two novels. The nonfiction books (Acting Assertively and Diverse Divorce) both grew out of my teaching experiences. The novels (Casting the First Stone and Chasing a Second Chance) are connected by the same cast of characters, and, while I'll readily call Chasing a Second Chance the sequel to Casting the First Stone, I haven't yet decided if the Marita-Angel-Charli story is finished, or if it will continue.

What do you read? Since I started teaching at the college level, most of what I read is nonfiction, and connected to psychology in some way. I look forward to breaks when I have the opportunity to pick up a novel or two.

Why do you write? I have loved to write ever since Miss Lee introduced me to creative writing when I was in seventh grade. She was my first encourager.

Fun writing factoid (not technically a question, I know): The protagonist's best friend in the novel I'm getting ready to revise is reacting very badly to the fact that I need to change her name. Although she doesn't love the first name I gave her, she has, so far, refused to accept any other moniker. She's turning out to be even feistier than I thought she was.

One more thing: Authors are awesome. They're generous, talented, funny and a great support network for one another. That's why it's so fun to invite them to my blog.

My favorite Starbucks 
is allowing me to host 
a book celebration at their store on 
December 27 from 4 - 6 pm. 

Stop by if you can.

Acting Assertively: Part 3

Third and final post on assertiveness, imported from my counselor Moodle.

One of the best ways we can build our children's assertiveness is by teaching them how to send the messages they want to send. To help them do this, we can teach them to ask themselves four questions:

Have I chosen my words carefully? Words are the building blocks of our messages, and well-chosen words that show respect for another person are the foundation of a strong message. Name-calling, sarcasm and put-downs may appear to be a show of strength, but in reality, bullying behaviors like these weaken our messages because they diminish other people's respect for us.

Does my tone of voice match the message I want to convey? The most thoughtfully considered words can deliver a completely different message if the tone in which they are spoken is pushy, disrespectful or harsh. Kids often have trouble recognizing their tone, however, and may even need you to model the appropriate tone for them...gently and without sarcasm.

Does my body language match the message I want to send? Stance, or body position, can strengthen or weaken a message. Someone who stands stoop-shouldered and stares at the floor will not come across as confident and is unlikely to be taken seriously. In addition, an open, friendly expression (think smiling mouth and eyes) inspires cooperation more readily than an angry or hostile one, and gestures or stances that can be interpreted as aggressive, such as clenched fists or hands on hips can make even a peaceful message look like a declaration of war.

Am I making eye contact? Eye contact is the part of nonverbal communication that shows you mean business. When we're nervous or afraid, however, it can be very difficult to maintain eye contact. Consequently, we undermine our whole message because the other person doesn't take us seriously. It takes practice, however, to keep our eyes focused on another person's eyes, however, especially when we are nervous or upset.

It's a lot to remember! Chances are, however, that your child has most of this down already, and may simply need some fine-tuning. Role-playing with you or practicing in front of a mirror can help him to refine all of the components of his message.

Once your kids start feeling confident with the whole picture, it's important to discuss where and when it's most appropriate to use these new-found skills. In general, assertive messages are best used with peers and adults with whom the child already has a good relationship built on trust and mutual respect. Assertive behavior is often not appreciated by authoritarian adults, and can even be dangerous when used with bullies.

Even adults with well-developed assertiveness skills may find it difficult - or even inappropriate - to be assertive all the time. If we look at assertive messages and behaviors as a set of skills that can be learned and used as needed, and if we teach our children those skills in the context of mutual respect, we are arming them with a life skill that they can use long after playground politics have become history. And, in the process, we may give ourselves permission to use those same skills.

Assertiveness Post #2

This is the second in a series of posts on assertive behavior that I'm importing from my counselor Moodle.

Yesterday, I was teaching third graders about assertive behavior. I had adapted a worksheet from Tom Carr's book When All Else Fails and was using it as an outline for a discussion about mutual respect and problem solving. My key point with the kids was "I matter," with the "I" being every single person (adult or child) in that room.

So often, kids worry about whether or not their behavior is "nice." While we certainly want our kids to be considerate of others, we sometimes forget to remind them that they're allowed to take themselves into consideration, too. Is it "nice" to tell someone to leave you alone, to refuse to join in an activity or to refuse to play with a peer who asks?

It depends on the context. If the person you want to leave you alone is calling you names or threatening you, it's certainly reasonable to ask (or tell) them to leave you alone. If the activity someone wants you to join them in makes you uncomfortable, you have no obligation to accept. If you already have a guest when another person comes to the door to issue an invitation, it's certainly understandable to decline the second person's invitation.

If we teach our kids assertiveness with the Golden Rule as its basis, we're teaching them to operate from a foundation of mutual respect. It's easy, then, for kids to separate assertive behavior from actions that are pushy or hurtful, to allay kids' concerns that assertiveness is a "goody goody" behavior, and to ease adults' fears that assertive behavior is bold, rude or disrespectful. When we think of assertive behavior as standing up for ourselves without hurting anyone else, the link between problem-solving and self-respect becomes clear.

Even to a room full of eight-year-olds.

Stay tuned for "Four Questions."

Assertiveness Post #1



I don't typically post on the weekends unless I've missed a weekday post. But recently, I've begun an upgrade of my blog, one that I hope will make it easier for visitors to find posts that relate to particular topics. 

The post below is the first of three that I'm reposting from another site, and will be filing under the "Acting Assertively" tab at the top my blog page. Originally written for the parents of my students at East York Elementary School, these three posts on assertive behavior first appeared on my "Moodle."

For more information on the topic of teaching assertive behavior to kids, check out my book, Acting Assertively.

 

Do you equate assertive behavior with aggressive behavior, viewing both as bold, or even rude? Or, do you see assertive behavior as something to strive for, a way to stand up for yourself without hurting anyone else?

I subscribe to the second definition, but readily acknowledge that if adults are divided in our opinions about assertiveness, then our children must really be confused. Even in today's society where bullying prevention programs abound, many adults still equate assertiveness in children with disrespect. And, many kids prefer playmates who are passive, because those are the children who willingly accommodate others' needs with little regard for their own.

But assertiveness is a life skill. With all the choices and challenges our kids face, it's more important than ever that they learn to stand up for themselves and their beliefs in a non-threatening way, and that they learn that respect (including self-respect) and problem-solving can coexist.

Girls, in particular, struggle with this. Concerned about being "nice" and maintaining relationships, they are often tempted to deem their own needs less important than others' needs in order to avoid conflict. But if they can't learn to demand respect from their girlfriends, how will they ever do so with boyfriends and spouses?

When I wrote Acting Assertively, I was teaching these lessons to fourth and fifth graders, boys and girls alike. Now, almost 15 years later, I still believe that the key to problem-solving lies in mutual respect, and that unless we expect others to treat us with respect, they are often content not to do so. And, as the mother of a teenage daughter, I want to make sure that I am raising a child who is not afraid to stand up for herself, and who has the skills to do so without trampling on others.

In future posts, I'll be sharing some tips from Acting Assertively that can help you to accomplish these goals with your own child.

Four Questions: One Last Blog on Assertiveness

One of the best ways we can build our children's assertiveness is by teaching them how to send the messages they want to send. To help them do this, we can teach them to ask themselves four questions:

• Have I chosen my words carefully? Words are the building blocks of our messages, and well-chosen words that show respect for another person are the foundation of a strong message. Name-calling, sarcasm and put-downs may appear to be a show of strength, but in reality, bullying behaviors like these weaken our messages because they diminish other people's respect for us.


• Does my tone of voice match the message I want to convey? The most thoughtfully considered words can deliver a completely different message if the tone in which they are spoken is pushy, disrespectful or harsh. Kids often have trouble recognizing their tone, however, and may even need you to model the appropriate tone for them...gently and without sarcasm.
  
• Does my body language match the message I want to send? Stance, or body position, can strengthen or weaken a message. Someone who stands stoop-shouldered and stares at the floor will not come across as confident and is unlikely to be taken seriously. In addition, an open, friendly expression (think smiling mouth and eyes) inspires cooperation more readily than an angry or hostile one, and gestures or stances that can be interpreted as aggressive, such as clenched fists or hands on hips can make even a peaceful message look like a declaration of war.
  
• Am I making eye contact? Eye contact is the part of nonverbal communication that shows you mean business. When we're nervous or afraid, however, it can be very difficult to maintain eye contact. Consequently, we undermine our whole message because the other person doesn't take us seriously. It takes practice, however, to keep our eyes focused on another person's eyes, however, especially when we are nervous or upset.

It's a lot to remember! Chances are, however, that your child has most of this down already, and may simply need some fine-tuning. Role-playing with you or practicing in front of a mirror can help him to refine all of the components of his message.

Once your kids start feeling confident with the whole picture, it's important to discuss where and when it's most appropriate to use these new-found skills. In general, assertive messages are best used with peers and adults with whom the child already has a good relationship built on trust and mutual respect. Assertive behavior is often not appreciated by authoritarian adults, and can even be dangerous when used with bullies.

Even adults with well-developed assertiveness skills may find it difficult - or even inappropriate - to be assertive all of the time. If we look at assertive messages and behaviors as a set of skills that can be learned and used as needed, and if we teach our children those skills in the context of mutual respect, we are arming them with a life skill that they can use long after playground politics have become history. And, in the process, we may give ourselves permission to use those same skills.

Lisa is the author of Acting Assertively.

Elementary Assertiveness

Yesterday, I was teaching my third graders about assertive behavior. I had adapted a worksheet from Tom Carr's book When All Else Fails and was using it as an outline for a discussion about mutual respect and problem solving. My key point with the kids was "I matter," with the "I" being every single person (adult or child) in that room.

So often, kids worry about whether or not their behavior is "nice." While we certainly want our kids to be considerate of others, we sometimes forget to remind them that they're allowed to take themselves into consideration, too. Is it "nice" to tell someone to leave you alone, to refuse to join in an activity or to refuse to play with a peer who asks?

Well, as one of my Facebook friends commented after my last post, "I suppose it would depend on the context." Steve, you're absolutely right - context should dictate our responses. If the person you want to leave you alone is calling you names or threatening you, it's certainly reasonable to ask (or tell) them to leave you alone. If the activity someone wants you to join them in makes you uncomfortable, you have no obligation to accept. If you already have a guest when another person comes to the door to issue an invitation, it's certainly understandable to decline the second person's invitation.

If we teach our kids assertiveness with the Golden Rule as its basis, we're teaching them to operate from a foundation of mutual respect. It's easy, then, for kids to separate assertive behavior from actions that are pushy or hurtful, to allay kids' concerns that assertiveness is a "goody goody" behavior, and to ease adults' fears that assertive behavior is bold, rude or disrespectful. When we think of assertive behavior as standing up for ourselves without hurting anyone else, the link between problem-solving and self-respect becomes clear.

Even to a room full of eight-year-olds.

Next up: Four Questions


Acting Assertively is available from MarCo Products, Inc. For more information, click on the link above or go to www.L2Hess.com.

Acting Assertively

If someone called you assertive, would you consider it a compliment? Do you equate assertive behavior with aggressive behavior, viewing both as bold, or even rude? Or, do you see assertive behavior as something to strive for, a way to stand up for yourself without hurting anyone else?

I subscribe to the second definition, but readily acknowledge that if adults are divided in our opinions about assertiveness, that our children must be really confused. Even in today's society where bullying prevention programs abound, many adults still equate assertiveness in children with disrespect. And, many kids prefer playmates who are passive, because those are the children who willingly accomodate others' needs with little regard for their own.

But assertiveness is a life skill. With all the choices and challenges our kids face, it's more important than ever that they learn to stand up for themselves and their beliefs in a non-threatening way, and that they learn that respect (including self-respect) and problem-solving can coexist.

Girls, in particular, struggle with this. Concerned about being "nice" and maintaining relationships, they are often tempted to deem their own needs less important than others' needs in order to avoid conflict. But if they can't learn to demand respect from their girlfriends, how will they ever do so with boyfriends and spouses?

When I wrote Acting Assertively, I was teaching these lessons to fourth and fifth graders, boys and girls alike. Ten years later, I am still teaching these lessons because I still believe that the key to problem-solving lies in mutual respect and that unless we expect others to treat us with respect, they are often content not to do so. And now, as the mother of a soon-to-be teenage daughter, I want to make sure that I am raising a child who is not afraid to stand up for herself, and who has the skills to do so without trampling on others.

In future posts, I'll be sharing some tips from Acting Assertively that can help you to accomplish these goals with your own child.


Acting Assertively is available from MarCo Products, Inc. For more information, click on the link above or go to www.L2Hess.com.