Don'tcha Hate it When Reality Intrudes?

Soo...I've been writing about assertiveness. Offering advice. And I was planning to finish off my blogs on that topic today, with four things we can look at to assess our assertiveness (or teach our kids to look at to assess theirs).

And then I went to the doctor. The brief visit I was anticipating took all morning because the recommended treatment necessitated two other stops within the same complex.

The first was brief. Easy. Painless.

The second brought me to a crowded waiting room. Because I hadn't needed to check in with a receptionist for the first additional stop (within the same complex), I made the mistake of thinking I didn't need to check in at the second location (within the same complex) either. Mistake number one.

It was only after I'd waited a half hour or more and watched a patient who had arrived after me ushered into the back that I checked with the receptionist.

Oh, she said. You must have slipped by me.

Indeed I had.

But now I was duly registered, my mistake corrected, and all was right with the universe. The young girl who'd gone in before me was on crutches, and was accompanied by her father and a very tired-looking younger brother. She'd needed to go first anyway.

Shortly thereafter, the technician came out to call the next patient. Apparently the older gentleman sitting next to me, who had arrived at least thirty minutes after I had, had been entered into the system at the same time as I had. It was up to us.

Assertiveness in action! Did I stand up? Stake my claim? Declare that I had arrived first and had been waiting for forty-five minutes?

I did not. And I have no idea why.

The older man stood and claimed my time slot. The receptionist also announced (erroneously)that he'd been there first. And I just sat there in silence, mourning, once again, the death of chivalry and my own reticence.

The event itself was not a big deal, and it could easily be argued that no harm was done when the (mostly) able-bodied younger person relinquished her claim to the older man with a cane.

And, indeed, no harm was done. My morning was not ruined. I was not late to any appointments. The only damage that was done was to my pride, which emerged slightly bruised.

I promise to offer up those four hallmarks of assertiveness in my next post. In this one, however, I'll offer a caution.

It's usually harder than it looks.

Link of the Week

It seems that retrospectives and musings on 2009 are everywhere! I guess that's only natural in December. One I particularly enjoyed was on Rachelle Gardner's "Rants and Ramblings" blog. Not only does she graciously thank her authors and showcase their work (in case you're looking for a few good books), but she also has the good taste to include my agent's blog (Hartline Literary) in her "A Few of My Agent Friends" listing. Rachelle's blog is always a good read, (which is why you can link to it from this blog!) but I especially enjoyed perusing "what sells" and finding links to new authors.

Link of the Week: Why Doesn't This Man Have a Website?

As an elementary counselor, I consider Tom Carr's books my go-to resources in many instances. My two favorites are 131 Creative Strategies for Reaching Children With Anger Problems and When All Else Fails: 101 Unique, Last-Resort Strategies, Activities, & Proven Programs for Reaching Difficult Students. Both can be found at Amazon, among other places. Click on Tom Carr's name in the first line of this post to go to an Amazon.com page that's the best comprehensive listing of his books that I've found...along with a few other items that prove how easy it is to confuse a search engine.

And Tom, if by any strange chance you're reading this, please get a web site so we can find you more easily. If you have one, email the link to me, and I'll update your information!

Elementary Assertiveness

Yesterday, I was teaching my third graders about assertive behavior. I had adapted a worksheet from Tom Carr's book When All Else Fails and was using it as an outline for a discussion about mutual respect and problem solving. My key point with the kids was "I matter," with the "I" being every single person (adult or child) in that room.

So often, kids worry about whether or not their behavior is "nice." While we certainly want our kids to be considerate of others, we sometimes forget to remind them that they're allowed to take themselves into consideration, too. Is it "nice" to tell someone to leave you alone, to refuse to join in an activity or to refuse to play with a peer who asks?

Well, as one of my Facebook friends commented after my last post, "I suppose it would depend on the context." Steve, you're absolutely right - context should dictate our responses. If the person you want to leave you alone is calling you names or threatening you, it's certainly reasonable to ask (or tell) them to leave you alone. If the activity someone wants you to join them in makes you uncomfortable, you have no obligation to accept. If you already have a guest when another person comes to the door to issue an invitation, it's certainly understandable to decline the second person's invitation.

If we teach our kids assertiveness with the Golden Rule as its basis, we're teaching them to operate from a foundation of mutual respect. It's easy, then, for kids to separate assertive behavior from actions that are pushy or hurtful, to allay kids' concerns that assertiveness is a "goody goody" behavior, and to ease adults' fears that assertive behavior is bold, rude or disrespectful. When we think of assertive behavior as standing up for ourselves without hurting anyone else, the link between problem-solving and self-respect becomes clear.

Even to a room full of eight-year-olds.

Next up: Four Questions


Acting Assertively is available from MarCo Products, Inc. For more information, click on the link above or go to www.L2Hess.com.

Acting Assertively

If someone called you assertive, would you consider it a compliment? Do you equate assertive behavior with aggressive behavior, viewing both as bold, or even rude? Or, do you see assertive behavior as something to strive for, a way to stand up for yourself without hurting anyone else?

I subscribe to the second definition, but readily acknowledge that if adults are divided in our opinions about assertiveness, that our children must be really confused. Even in today's society where bullying prevention programs abound, many adults still equate assertiveness in children with disrespect. And, many kids prefer playmates who are passive, because those are the children who willingly accomodate others' needs with little regard for their own.

But assertiveness is a life skill. With all the choices and challenges our kids face, it's more important than ever that they learn to stand up for themselves and their beliefs in a non-threatening way, and that they learn that respect (including self-respect) and problem-solving can coexist.

Girls, in particular, struggle with this. Concerned about being "nice" and maintaining relationships, they are often tempted to deem their own needs less important than others' needs in order to avoid conflict. But if they can't learn to demand respect from their girlfriends, how will they ever do so with boyfriends and spouses?

When I wrote Acting Assertively, I was teaching these lessons to fourth and fifth graders, boys and girls alike. Ten years later, I am still teaching these lessons because I still believe that the key to problem-solving lies in mutual respect and that unless we expect others to treat us with respect, they are often content not to do so. And now, as the mother of a soon-to-be teenage daughter, I want to make sure that I am raising a child who is not afraid to stand up for herself, and who has the skills to do so without trampling on others.

In future posts, I'll be sharing some tips from Acting Assertively that can help you to accomplish these goals with your own child.


Acting Assertively is available from MarCo Products, Inc. For more information, click on the link above or go to www.L2Hess.com.

Link of the Week

When a friend and colleague made it her mission to get my books into our local Borders, it struck me as silly that she was working harder to promote my books than I was. Check out the details in my post on The Susquehanna Writers blog, then tune in here over the next few weeks to see where her simple kindness led me.

Penchant for Paper

I love stationery. Paper products, funky pens, pencils with a just-right point. Occupational hazard for a writer, some might say, but I can trace my obsession with all things paper back to my childhood.

When I was a kid, there was a stationery store many blocks from my home where you could buy paper by the pound. I thought that was the coolest thing, although what I would do with a pound of paper at the ripe-old age of eight, I have no idea. Still, on the occasions when my mother and I would take the long walk to that part of town, I loved just going in the store.

As an adult, I still harbor the same affection for paper and writing implements. In fact (not surprisingly), I have developed predilections for particular items. Though I'm typing this blog now, it was originally hand-written on a small tablet, spiral-bound at the top, which I keep in my car for list-making and times when I need paper that is safely held together and won't scatter to the wind, the floor or the back seat.

At the school where I work, we have tablets made of lined newsprint. They are my go-to source when I need to make lists, brainstorm ideas or simply get my thoughts out of my head and onto the page. The right pen (preferably with black, red or purple ink) glides across the page, allowing me to write quickly and effortlessly, if not neatly. The combination of the right pen and the right paper allows me to spill my thoughts onto the page, lest they, too, run the risk of scattering like those loose pages before I can get them down.

Not every writing implement is amenable to - or suited for - my beloved newsprint tablets. The mechanical pencils (.7mm lead, never .5) on which I depend for my nightly Sudokus are ill-equipped for both the task, and the finish of the paper. Unlike my favorite pen (Pentech, for those of you who are as obsessed as I am, and/or making lists of things I'd like for Christmas) the pencil digs into the paper, hampering the flow of my writing and therefore my ideas. The resulting product is too light to read upon later inspection, and quickly becomes faded, jeopardizing the future usefulness of the words on the page.

A few weeks ago, when I went into the supply closet to replenish my supply of newsprint tablets, I couldn't find any. Sure they were gone for good, I began rationing the paper I had, using it only when it was perfect for the task at hand lest I waste even one page on something as frivolous as a phone message.

It was only when I mentioned my paper obsession to a colleague that she assured me there were more tablets in the closet...I only needed to look up above the shelves to find newsprint nirvana.

Needless to say, I stocked up.

Turns out, however, that my colleague has a paper obsession of her own. While any paper will do most of the time, when it comes to her sketches, she has her own particular preferences.

Perhaps the creative brain simply wants what it wants, and anything that frees the process in any way is a tool worth having, whether it's a computer keyboard, a spiral-bound notebook or my own beloved newsprint tablet. Meanwhile, I'll continue to haunt the stationery aisles of my favorite stores, just in case we really do run out.

A girl has to be prepared.