I'm not good at doing nothing and, to be honest, that scares me a little. On the cusp of retirement, I'm feeing as though this is a bit of a "be careful what you wish for" scenario. What will I do when my days no longer have the structure to which I've become accustomed?
Right now, life is often overwhelming. There are too many things to do, too many deadlines, and I find myself longing for a stretch of time to fill in any way I please. So, you'd think a vacation would provide just that.
But here I am, with no pressing deadlines and no looming to-do list, at the loosest of loose ends. When my husband tries to fill the days with activities, I push back, not wanting to overplan this gift of time. But when left to my own devices, I sometimes freeze, unsure of what exactly I want to do. I move from one thing to another, never alighting on any task for long before I'm displaced by dissatisfaction.
Such a rough life, right?
As it turns out, the balance of routine, productivity, freedom, and flexibility is tricky. Some days call for a lot of one at the expense of the others, while others demand a mysterious mélange that reveals itself only as we move from one thing to another. Change the location, the players, and the expectations and everything shifts, often in a very unpredictable manner that leaves us feeling adrift and maybe even a little grumpy, no matter how beautiful or inviting the environment.
As I was typing this, I looked around our rented beach digs and all I saw was chaos. Immediately, I had a task -- something I could control. The combination of productivity and the almost instantaneous appearance of clear space gave me the satisfaction and sense of peace that had been eluding me.
Mysterious mélange indeed.
I don't know what my post-retirement routine will look like -- I don't even know what the next three days will look like! But I do know that a key ingredient in finding a new normal, whether for a week at the beach or the rest of my life will require a key ingredient I sometimes find in short supply.
Patience.
Wish me luck.
Cat image (from a decidedly non-cat person because I'm allergic) matched my mood.
Image from photosforyou from Pixabay.com
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