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One of my 2021 goals was to let go of guilt. Guilt over something I did. Guilt over something I didn't do. Guilt over saying "no" when someone was hoping for, or maybe even expecting, a yes.
Although I’ve been working on saying no for several years now, that's one of the places where I'm most likely to still feel guilt. While it makes sense that an impulsive no would be guilt-inducing, I know that I’m doing the right thing when I give a thoughtful no.
But sometimes the guilt arrives anyway.It's a pretty useless emotion. It doesn't make anyone feel good. And, even if I am in the wrong, the single act of me feeling bad does little to right any wrong that might have occurred.
Still, it seems as though this goal, like many others, might be harder than it sounds. I've discovered that there are a few decision making tweaks I can make that help mediate the guilt.
I can overcome the urge to respond immediately, and simply pause. Sometimes, a yes or a no is practically automatic. Ditto an emotional response (usually frustration or annoyance) to something someone else does. Simply stopping to think can keep me from making a snap decision or knee-jerk reaction, stopping guilt in its tracks.
Or, I can lengthen that pause by remembering that "maybe" is also a choice, and not committing either way until I've had some time to think. The bigger the task, the more reasonable "let me think about it" becomes. And, the more time I give myself to make a decision, the more I can be sure it was the right one. That means I'm less likely to feel guilt, requiring much less work in the letting it go department.
Another of my goals, which meshes nicely here, is to give others space to do things for themselves. Toward that end, I need to remind myself that if someone else is capable of doing the task in question, handing it off can be a reasonable alternative, especially if the other person is willing to take it on. If someone else is interested in learning how to do the job, taking a few minutes to teach them what to do or assist them in getting started can save me hours of time later on. And, if the other person actually enjoys the job, it can be a win-win.
Still, it seems as though this goal, like many others, might be harder than it sounds. I've discovered that there are a few decision making tweaks I can make that help mediate the guilt.
I can overcome the urge to respond immediately, and simply pause. Sometimes, a yes or a no is practically automatic. Ditto an emotional response (usually frustration or annoyance) to something someone else does. Simply stopping to think can keep me from making a snap decision or knee-jerk reaction, stopping guilt in its tracks.
Or, I can lengthen that pause by remembering that "maybe" is also a choice, and not committing either way until I've had some time to think. The bigger the task, the more reasonable "let me think about it" becomes. And, the more time I give myself to make a decision, the more I can be sure it was the right one. That means I'm less likely to feel guilt, requiring much less work in the letting it go department.
Another of my goals, which meshes nicely here, is to give others space to do things for themselves. Toward that end, I need to remind myself that if someone else is capable of doing the task in question, handing it off can be a reasonable alternative, especially if the other person is willing to take it on. If someone else is interested in learning how to do the job, taking a few minutes to teach them what to do or assist them in getting started can save me hours of time later on. And, if the other person actually enjoys the job, it can be a win-win.
Slowly, I'm learning to accept that, whether the answer is yes, no or maybe, if I've made my decision for the right reason, I can more easily let go of guilt. But making it a goal -- something I have all year (or perhaps longer) to perfect -- makes me more aware. Now, instead of my first response being to cope with the guilt, my first response is to remind myself to let it go.
Sometimes, it's that simple.
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